Matt has been looking forward to today for a couple weeks.  Date Night.  It has been months since we have had an opportunity to go out and there is a movie he wants us to see, "People Like Us".  So, the date was set.  Movie and dinner was planned.  The husband was excited.

But, I had a couple rough weeks.  Early wake up times.  Taking my son to 2 different VBS programs (one each week).  My daughter and her multiple doctor's appointment.  A couple other doctor's appointments here and there.  An illness that caused me to go on antibiotics.  Antibiotics that made me feel sick.  Sleepovers.  A plethora of other activities.  I reached a point of exhaustion and feeling like my world was caving in.  For me to be a happy wife and mommy, I need to have time to myself.  Not just an hour here and there...big blocks of time.  I prefer to have uninterrupted time at home.....in a quiet house.  Sometimes, I take advantage of the time and nap...sometimes I watch movies...sometimes I cook...sometimes I do it all.  

My husband could tell that my world was crashing down around me (it helped that I told him that the world was crashing down around me), so he came to me this morning and said he thought we should put off the date by one week.  He said he would take the kids out of the house for the afternoon...would come home late with dinner in hand.  AND, after church tomorrow....he would do the SAME thing.  TWO AFTERNOONS TO MYSELF!??!!  I fought him for a bit....he has so been looking forward to this date.  BUT, he would rather me be there mentally and physically and I see the wisdom in that.

Allow your husband to take the kids for the afternoon.  If he doesn't come up with the idea on his own, suggest it kindly.  Tell him that you will be so much more emotionally available to him (and maybe physically) if you had some space.  Just a few hours could do wonders for you.

So, here I sit.  As if God was smiling down on me and giving me a gift, shortly after my family left and I settled in to do one of my favorite things (watch the Lord of the Rings Trilogy), a thunder storm came crashing down.  I snuggled in to my quilt...a cat by my side...and dozed for just 15 minutes or so (during my least favorite part of The Fellowship of the Ring).  It has been rejuvenating, to say the least.

I love LOTR.  I am often asked which one is my favorite.  I have chosen not to say because I cannot.  When I watch the movies, I watch them in quick succession...one after the other.  They blend together into one VERY long movie. I do not watch the theatrical versions...we have the extended versions on blu-ray.    This will take HOURS and HOURS...and thanks to a considerate husband, I have HOURS and HOURS to devote to the endeavor.  Did I mention that before he left, he cleaned the house and did the dishes??  Legos?  Put away.  Hair tumbleweeds from our many pets?  Vacuumed.  Dishes?  Only what I have used.  

A great gift indeed.

Today, a friend and fellow homeschooler posted this article on facebook about the cost of not homeschooling your kids.  It was very well written and spoke on many of the reasons/costs of not homeschooling your kids like the hidden financial costs of public schooling (a very good point...it always amazed me how much I would need to spend in the weeks prior to and the couple months after the beginning of the school year).  It also mentions the spiritual costs of public versus home.  This is another valid point and is a definite advantage to being homeschooled.  Jesus is all up in our business at home!!  

But, one thing that was kind of glossed over in the article but is really very real in our own situation is the loss of innocence.  My daughter was in public school until the beginning of 6th grade.  She begged to be pulled out of public school for many reasons, one of the key reasons being the influence of others in her school.

She was not part of an inner city school.  The school district is a good one.  The kids in the area come from middle-class households and we live in a largely conservative state and a largely conservative area.  It really never occurred to me just how much she would be exposed to so early.  She shared with me after she was pulled out just how much of her innocence was lost.  It was heart breaking, really.  It was sad to hear what she knew and had seen and it was sadder still to know what these kids, at so young an age, were experiencing...and the knowledge that it would only get worse for them.

Tonight, as I drove my daughter to our church where she would board a bus to head out to serve the homeless in the area, she shared with me the innocence of her friends who have been homeschooled for the long term...they do not know half of what she knows.  She said she was jealous of their naivety and longed to be innocent like them.

Now, don't get me wrong...she is still very innocent, more innocent than she realizes.  But, at the tender age of 11, she had already been exposed to far more than she should have.  It makes me feel pretty good that at least my son will be one of those naive kids and we have used Sierra's experiences as learning moments.  

It is a HUGE cost that was paid in making that choice to put her in public school.  I am not happy with the choice we made, but what was done is done.  We cannot go back...we can only go forward......

Break out the confetti, get the noisemakers, crack open some champagne (ok, scratch that, I do NOT like that stuff)....it's time for a party........a PITY party.

You know those mornings where you wake up and everything seems to be going wrong?  Maybe you woke up with optimism only to discover that it is definitely a pessimism kind of day!?  You know you do...no matter how much faith you have in God...you know there are days where you ask...really God, where are you?

Yeah, that is me today...this morning and RIGHT AT THIS VERY MOMENT.  And what really stinks is I prayed...I prayed last night and I prayed again at 2:15 am when I was woken up and could not go back to sleep...I prayed for God's favor in just this situation and felt like a slap in the face when I woke up and found the exact opposite of what I had hoped or expected.  The black cloud built over my head...my shoulders drooped....and my eyes filled just a bit with tears.  I had to ask "Why God?"

I sometimes find myself in a place where I start to feel sorry for myself and my circumstance.  I see my bank account and wail, I realize that what we need to survive and what is available to spend does not quite match up.  I panic and than I go in a corner and stick my thumb in my mouth.  All the while, Matt says...when have you known God to let us fail?  It's true.  

Look, we are in the midst of a hard period in our lives.  Financially speaking, it is hard to keep going.  But, when I take my head out of the ground long enough to look around, I can honestly see how rich we really are when you think about where we could be and where, sadly, too many people I know are now.  It's easy to wallow and I think a good wallow can be good (as long as you do not stay in the pit of wallowing for long).  But, you must pick yourself up...dust yourself off...and get some perspective.

And remember to keep praying.  God hears our prayers and He answers them...even if we are too dumb to hear the answer.  Maybe my answer is "just wait".  Maybe my answer is "you need to go through this more".  I do not know.  But I have to TRUST in HIM.  As was stated so nicely on facebook this morning:

So...deep breath in.....deep breath out.  Here we go.  Optimism!  God is in control...as much as I would like to be...He is.  I must relinquish it to Him.  I feel better, though, having vented a bit on here.

Matt and I attend a Sunday morning community group that has been meeting on Sunday mornings at our church for years.  Same people (faces change, but the heart remains) every Sunday, different teachers and topics for discussion.

We have recently started a bible study called "Made to Crave" based on the book by the same name (it is in DVD format).  It is about turning your craving (mainly for food) into a craving for God.  

Yesterday she shared something that blew my socks off and is changing a big part of my parenting.  She said that when she talks to her kids before they go out into the world (date, hang out with friends, school , parties, etc), instead of listing all of what they should not do, she tells them 4 simple words "Remember Who You Are".  Wow, that is deep and awe inspiring.  

Today, I sat in the car with Sierra and had a long talk with her.  I first explained to her the session we had watched the previous day in our Sunday morning class.  She nodded along, not sure where I was going.  After explaining what this author had said, I launched into the long explanation of why I was bringing this up.  I told her, "I want you to always remember WHO you are!"  

How often do we lecture our children on choices they make...or on choices they could make (drugs, sex, crime, etc)?  How often do we wag our fingers and say "don't"?  How often to do we talk to our kids and let them know just who they are and what they are worth?  I always try to build up my kids...but I have never really sat down and had an in depth conversation of what all those words of encouragement put all together means.

Today, I sat in my car with Sierra sitting close by.  I told her she needs to "remember who Sierra is" and than I launched into a detailed report on who she was.  She is beautiful on the outside, but let's get down to the heart of the matter.  She is kind.  She is intelligent.  She loves Jesus.  She has many gifts.  She is level-headed.  She is worth greatness and the only thing that can keep her from achieving all that God has planned for her is herself.  I told her that God gave her many great gifts like art, a great family that adores her, beauty, etc and she needs to recognize that these are God given.  If she fails to recognize God's gifts to her, she will be throwing them in the trash.  But, if she recognizes what God has given her, God will reward her obedience.  If she gives her gifts back to Him, He will reward her generously.  

We spoke in depth about her worth...about how she must always remember who she is and part of who she is is what she's worth.  She must not ever forget that she is worth more than the world would give her.  She is worth what God wants for her.  The world will try it's hardest to knock her down, but with God by her side and with her confidence of who she is, she can knock the world down and crush it under her heel.

I encourage you to sit down with your kids and share with them their worth.  I think it is apparent by the behavior of so many kids that they do not get what their worth is...they do not understand that they deserve so much more and they do not recognize the gifts that God has bestowed upon them.  Too often we get caught up in the "don't do this" and "don't do that" that we forget to build our children up.  We must help them to realize their worth and to realize who gave them their worth.  Let them know, without a doubt, that no matter what any PERSON says, to GOD, they are worth the world.  Give them the words that they need to "REMEMBER WHO THEY ARE".  I did not want to just tell Sierra..."hey, I heard a great thing in class yesterday...you need to remember who you are when you are out in the world."  She'd likely scratch her head and say "ooooo------kkkaaaaayyyyyyyy".  I wanted to make sure she knew without a DOUBT who she was.  Her response at the end of this lengthy conversation...shoulders a little straighter, a new air of confidence, and gratitude as her 13 year old mind has struggled some in her self confidence.

REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE

Being a homeschooler, you may feel the weight of the world on your shoulders as you prepare your kid(s) for life outside the home.  Will they go to college?  Will they find good jobs with good benefits?  Will they end up on the news and not in a good way?  Will I miss anything that is vital to their success in life?

I know parents who look at what the public school is teaching to compare where their kids are at and I do not know that this is necessarily a bad thing.  It is good to know where your kid is at...make sure they are where they should be.  But, can you over do it??

I think I am a classic overachiever.  Oh, I am pretty normal for a homeschool mom in many ways.  I spend hours looking at curriculum and reading what other people say about curriculum and downloading samples of curriculum and talking ad naseum to anyone I can about curriculum until I finally make my choices.  I have fallen into a trap, though, of OVER planning.  I caught myself duplicating work-sheets for my son's upcoming Language Arts program...why??  I have them all.....printed nicely in a book already.  There is no writing in the book.  I do not have a younger kid I will need to keep the pages pristine for.  And, if I really want to duplicate them, there is such a thing as a copy machine.  So, why put so much pressure on myself??  

Ok, in my defense, I am not too happy how the practice sheets are laid out in his practice books.  There are a few sections per page....one section per lesson.  I like order.  I am creating binders for my son for each subject and I would like to gather his work into each lesson area and not just have sheets with several lesson practices per page.  How do I put these into neatly organized binders?  I had the bright idea of just getting on my handy dandy laptop and reproducing each practice.  Sounded good....at first.  Than I started.  There are 28 chapters.  There are 5 lessons per chapter.  There are, at least, 2-3 practice exercises per chapter.  That means me reproducing at least 56 exercises.  Part of his Language Arts program is already a State Activity each week and I decided to create a page for each state for him to do...so that is 50 sheets there.  This is an easy production for me to do, but add it to the other.

Do you see what I am getting at??  My son is going to be in 2nd grade!  I wonder if any energy I may have might be better spent in other areas??  Being an overachiever is not necessarily a bad thing, but I think perspective is good.  I can provide an excellent teaching/learning environment without working myself and my fingers to the bone.  If the work has been done for me, than I need to let it go...even if it is not how I would do it.

Let yourself have the flexibility to teach without burning yourself out.

So, you've decided that you want to homeschool your kid(s) for whatever reason best fits your family.  Maybe your kid is bullied at school and you fear for their safety.  Maybe you are not disillusioned by the inadequacy of government run school.  Maybe you just want to have your kids with you.  Whatever the reason, the decision is made and it's time to let those around you (family, friends, acquaintances) know your decision.  Do you make your announcement with excitement or trepidation?  Will you be met with pats on the back of encouragement or will you be met with discouraging words and actions?  You will, likely, be faced with both reactions and hopefully the scale will tip more towards the encouragement side.

You know that feeling well.  You get excited about something and you get a flow going and everything is going smoothly and than all the sudden your internal telephoto lens goes out of focus and you lose sight of what you are doing...or should be doing.

This malfunction often occurs, for me anyway, around summer time. I get lazy.  It's so hot (here in Texas) and it's hard to have motivation to do anything.  Anything you might want to do outside the home, you need to do early in the morning, otherwise, it gets too miserable.  

I often end up putting things off and just lounging on the couch.  I don't want to do anything that requires the use of muscles or brain cells.  It's like I hibernate in the summer.  It's not like my house isn't cool...if anything, it is too cool.  What is my excuse?  Well, give me a second and I'll come up with one.

I really, really need to get myself organized for the upcoming school year...otherwise, things may fall apart.  But, these past several days, I look at my pile of curriculum to go through and just turn my back on it.  Sad?  Yeah, I know.

I have lost my motivation and I do not know where to find it.  My brain is numb.  Am I alone in this and what can I do to wake myself up?

Does the above picture look chaotic to you?  I could lie and say that it is actually a part of some great system I have developed, but in reality, it is chaos and is about how I am feeling right now at the beginning of this journey of planning a year's worth of school by the time summer is over.  I am overwhelmed, scared, worried, and giddy with excitement.

Yesterday, Daniel was excited about school.  Why?  It was his last, official, day of school.  It's funny because these last couple weeks we have only been focusing on math and reading and had long ago dropped all the other subjects.  The idea of school being finished just thrilled him to no end.  He was bouncing around as he finished up his math and gave only half his attention to the book we are reading.  He was beside himself with excitement at the thought of no more school.

But, does school really end?  

For me, it does not.  After a year of experience as a homeschool mom, I have been evaluating myself (as principal and teacher, I must give myself annual evaluations).  I have been looking at myself and the job I did last year.  If I had to give myself a score from 1-10 on my job performance, I would likely give myself a 4 or a 5.  I started out the school year strong....the excitement of the new adventure really pushed me along and I took the job before me very seriously.  I had times of burn-out, though, where I just didn't want to do it anymore.  I would find myself cutting corners at times...deciding to let some things slide by in the interest of getting done by lunch time.  I started off very organized, but soon found myself getting overwhelmed by a lack of organization........I THRIVE on organization.

You might say I am being harsh on myself.  But, I think getting down and dirty with yourself is good.  I can look at what went wrong and come up with a plan to not let it happen again.

I know saying "what went wrong" is relative.  Some might think what I felt went wrong as a still successful school year and I would agree...to a point.  I think Daniel's first year of homeschooling/his first grade school year was a success.  His reading and math skills are as sharp as ever...he studied more history and science than his public school counterparts.  Comparatively, he is ahead of the curve.  But, as any homeschool mom can tell you...I know my kid...I know his strengths and weaknesses...I know what he needs and what success looks like for him.  This is the advantage to homeschooling.  You tailor your child's education to their needs.

So, school is over for Daniel.  He is happily oblivious of my inner struggles over this past school year.  The school year is over for me too.  I have evaluated myself.  I have given myself a mental report of what worked and what didn't work.  I am at a better place now than I was when I first started homeschooling my son.  I have my mistakes to look at and learn from.  So, while the school year is over, the job is not.  Order is what is on tap for me this summer.  I have already begun.  Subject by subject, I am organizing the coming up school year.  I am making a plan....I have calendars I am setting up.  I am setting alerts on my phone for important events like supplies for certain projects...I am setting schedules.  I am doing all the administrative stuff now during these 3 months so that when school starts on September 4th, I can concentrate solely on the job of teacher.  I am also working through the best way to set up our classroom.  Rearranging will be on tap for my husband over these next couple months...don't tell him, though.  I'd rather he think that he is off from duty for a little while, at least.

I have no disillusions that there will be bumps along the way, but with a well organized plan in place, those bumps will be a lot less painful.  

Never before have I been more ready for Summer Break then this year, my first full year homeschooling both my children.  When they were in public school, I would be so happy when summer break arrived and I could have the kids at home with me for fun in the sun...not to mention the slowing down of schedules...sleeping in...staying up late.  Who doesn't love summer break???  This year, though, I have worked at keeping schedules as well as teaching my kids and trying to make sure they got everything they should get.

In May (is it really only June 2nd?), I entertained the idea of going into June with Daniel (Sierra is for sure going into June...and maybe going all summer...but she is independently taught).  We started 2 books at the end of May which would ensure we would need to go until mid-June: "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" and "The Family Under the Bridge" and also didn't get his last math workbook until the end of May.  I sighed and accepted the fact that we would have to go into June...maybe even until the end of June.

But, whether it be the heat that is quickly getting hotter and hotter...or the humidity that is getting thicker and thicker...or the sounds of kids all across the area shouting with joy that THEIR school has ended for summer...whatever the cause, I have come to the realization that I do not want to do it anymore.  I am MORE ready for a break than Daniel is.  My job doesn't end when the last subject is taught.  Prep work is hard.  I am consumed by what needs (wants) should come next.  My mind is always on what the next day, week, month will have in store.  Recently, I have been consumed with what 2nd grade should look like.  I have been researching organization and wanting to get ready to plan out a full school year (or at least half) before school starts in September.

May was a killer month for us and June is full, too.  So, this coming week I do not have anything planned (except a well deserved Mom's Night Out)...and I have decided that this upcoming week WILL be the END of the school year for Daniel.  Thursday is his LAST day of school....and MY last day of school.  We are scrapping "The Family Under the Bridge" until next year (it is a bit heavy for a last book of the year).  We WILL finish "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" which has been great fun to read...and we will finish up as much of his workbook as possible.  I do not feel guilty if we do not finish it.  It is like extra credit math...all his math facts for 1st grade (and by state standards, probably most of 2nd grade) have been fulfilled.  This is more challenging and I may pull it out during the summer to keep his mind sharp (as if it isn't already sharp).

He will continue reading over the summer...but it will be more like his choice of what to read...fun books.  Maybe some Bill Wallace books...or Diary of a Wimpy Kid books...or what have you.  And me?  Well, I am sure I will obsessively research every curriculum, every kind of lesson plan, every thing I can to prepare for 2nd grade.  I THRIVE in order and I will likely make changes to our school room in preparation...make lists....and all the other things involved.  But I LOVE doing that.  I LOVE planning and researching.  And, I can do it in my own time which will be far greater without the 3 hours of school each day.  

Summer:  pool time, beach time, staying in with the kids watching movies (we have already agreed that a classic Disney movieathon is a MUST), reading books, going to the library, going to the mall, getting together with friends, VBS times 2, sleeping in, staying up late, eating ice cream, playing games...the list goes on.  I just cannot wait.  June 7th.  11:30ish.  Summer Break Kozlowski style.  *Sierra will continue with school, but will slow down.  She will also leave in a week for Georgia for summer camp....*